I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
