my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
