Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Is Oprah even human
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
