too bad you live with your parents still
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
