So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
