Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
We need a shit load of segways right now
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
