I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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