I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
