You're my little dorito
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
