walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
