Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
