someone owes me an orgasm
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
