oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
