you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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