under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
