Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Every concussion has its silver lining
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
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