Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
