I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
