You're my little dorito
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
