I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize