Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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