I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
