remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
