I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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