you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
