I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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