Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
