Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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