Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
