woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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