At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
