I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
