Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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