dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
