At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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