My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I have feelings that need drinking.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
