Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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