I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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