Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
