I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
