My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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