who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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