you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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