i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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