Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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