That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
