R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
