Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
