i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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