we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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