Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
