Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
