you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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