you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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