DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
