well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
