He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
